Another gloomy morning...

The skies are overcast, the streets are quiet like some deserted plague town where everyone is running and hiding as to not be infected with this deadly disease. Too late for me though. I've been infected. Possible from birth. Although that is debatable. Two days ago I took my daughters Nintendo DS to Game Stop so I could sell it in order to have enough money from drugs. When I saw the look on her face when she found out, it was like a dull blade being thrust repeatedly into my heart.

For so many years I prided myself on being an excellent father. When my wife left us, I took care of them: fed them, did their laundry, took them out to the park or movies, etc. They always looked at me with a sort of admiration. I used to work at a place called Activeworlds. And, some days I would bring Emily to work with me so she could see all the computers and watch me do my job. And I could always see in her eyes how happy and proud she was. On the ride to and from work we would joke around and make up little games (like screaming everytime we drove under a bridge). It seems so silly now, but it was so fun. And I'd give anything to be back there right now. Riding under one of the bridges, pumping my fist in the air screaming, "YEEOOOW". And hearing her do the same. Then we'd both laugh and prepare for the next one.

Small things like that made me a happy and content man. But no more.

I will have to try and finish this later, the tears won't stop falling and I can't see the screen. I do know that if 7 years ago somebody told me that I'd be living like this I'd of thought they were immensely insane. Not for a second would I have even considered the thought that my life could have become such a nightmare. Yesterday, Becky said that although I feel bad right now, it can get a lot worse. I know that it could. But, it hurts so much right now! I'm so tired of emotional pain, turmoil, inner conflict, guilt, and remorse.

How do you explain to someone who is not a drug addict or alcoholic that I sold me daughters DS because I passed that stage of obsessing and went right into compulsion. And by that time turning back seems to be improbable. I don't know if it's it is impossible, but I do know that I've never been able to "turn if off", once it's been "turned on". I will write more later. And maybe get more into what has been going on with me.

RaySildur