A change of habits

We can certainly be creatures of habit. For around 4 years I get up every morning around 4:00am, make coffee, then sit on my couch playing Xbox or PS2. I then walk to the clinic, walk home and get right back to the video games. As an unemployed man, this is not a good habit and is certainly should lower on my list of priorities. Well, this habit has been at least disrupted as I've sold my PS2 to Gamestop and I no longer have an Xbox.
I want to start getting back into what I use to do in the early mornings which was learn new technologies, web stuff, read news, and learn about new software. I also was heavily into the Stock market and even had an account at an online broker (for some reason the name of the broker escapes me right now). I don't know what it is about gaming that I like so much. And I have no intentions of giving it up completely. I just need a break. And certainly need to prioritize my life. It's fine to play a game here and there if I'm working. But, as some who is unemployed, I should not be spending so much time gaming.
I got a book at the library on Flickr. An online photo service. Just to learn about new sites and what people are doing online these days. I've checked out and made accounts on Myspace.com, Facebook.com, and iGoogle.com. I want to learn more about what is being called Web 2.0. Which uses a technology called Ajax. From which I understand is not a new technology, but rather a combination of existing ones, such as DHTML, JavaScript, and XML.
I also have a long list of books that I want to read. Topping the list are:

• The Engineer Trilogy (I started the first book and read to about pg. 150
• The Halfling's Gem - The third book in the Icewind Dale trilogy
• The Eagles Brood - the third book in the Camulod Chronicles
• HaveMercy - a debut book by two college students that spins a new twist on dragons and got excellent reviews
• Antony & Cleopatra (read up to around pg. 154

So, I should be able to keep myself busy in the mornings and away from Xbox and PS2 for a while. At least until I can gather enough cash to purchase another one. I mean the used Xbox's are going for only $60.00. I can't see that being beyond reach!! Well, just wanted to check in and write a bit for the day. Talk to ya tomorrow...

Another gloomy morning...

The skies are overcast, the streets are quiet like some deserted plague town where everyone is running and hiding as to not be infected with this deadly disease. Too late for me though. I've been infected. Possible from birth. Although that is debatable. Two days ago I took my daughters Nintendo DS to Game Stop so I could sell it in order to have enough money from drugs. When I saw the look on her face when she found out, it was like a dull blade being thrust repeatedly into my heart.

For so many years I prided myself on being an excellent father. When my wife left us, I took care of them: fed them, did their laundry, took them out to the park or movies, etc. They always looked at me with a sort of admiration. I used to work at a place called Activeworlds. And, some days I would bring Emily to work with me so she could see all the computers and watch me do my job. And I could always see in her eyes how happy and proud she was. On the ride to and from work we would joke around and make up little games (like screaming everytime we drove under a bridge). It seems so silly now, but it was so fun. And I'd give anything to be back there right now. Riding under one of the bridges, pumping my fist in the air screaming, "YEEOOOW". And hearing her do the same. Then we'd both laugh and prepare for the next one.

Small things like that made me a happy and content man. But no more.

I will have to try and finish this later, the tears won't stop falling and I can't see the screen. I do know that if 7 years ago somebody told me that I'd be living like this I'd of thought they were immensely insane. Not for a second would I have even considered the thought that my life could have become such a nightmare. Yesterday, Becky said that although I feel bad right now, it can get a lot worse. I know that it could. But, it hurts so much right now! I'm so tired of emotional pain, turmoil, inner conflict, guilt, and remorse.

How do you explain to someone who is not a drug addict or alcoholic that I sold me daughters DS because I passed that stage of obsessing and went right into compulsion. And by that time turning back seems to be improbable. I don't know if it's it is impossible, but I do know that I've never been able to "turn if off", once it's been "turned on". I will write more later. And maybe get more into what has been going on with me.

RaySildur